Raising twins might sound like a “two-for-one” parenting deal to the outside world, but let me tell you, it’s anything but identical. I have 12-year-old twin boys who are as different as night and day—so different, in fact, it often feels like they were once meant to be one person split into two. One is a loud, outgoing, quick-talking, back-talking wild child of the woods. I call him my feral cat—he’s sharp, street-smart, and would rather be knee-deep in a muddy creek than stuck indoors. The other is my creative, thoughtful, Seinfeld-watching, stop-motion-movie-making indoor kid. He thrives in structure, loves to swim, and will take a quiet afternoon of editing YouTube videos over a hike any day of the week. How do you raise two kids who came from the same womb but act like they live on different planets?
The short answer? You don’t try to make them the same. You don’t even try to parent them differently. You raise them both with the same common-sense foundation, the same values, the same expectations—but you give them the space to live those things out in their own way. At our house, we don’t have two sets of rules just because we have two personalities. We have one family standard, and the beauty is watching how each of our boys figures out how to rise to meet it in his own way.
Now, don’t get me wrong—this doesn’t mean every day is smooth sailing. There are times when we’re correcting one for talking back and the other for being too passive. There are moments where one needs to be told to “slow down and think” and the other to “speak up and fight back a little.” But even in the chaos, we’re teaching them the same core lessons: take responsibility, use common sense, own your choices, and be true to who you are. One twin might learn that lesson while gutting a fish. The other might learn it through editing a film. But the root is the same: they’re both growing into young men who understand who they are and how their actions shape their lives.
Being a twin comes with its own unique bond and built-in rivalry. Our job as parents is to honor that bond without lumping them into one identity. We praise their victories differently because they win in different ways. One of them makes straight A’s and thrives in school. The other, we cheer just as loudly when he pulls off a B on a test he worked hard for. It’s a delicate balance—equal praise, not identical praise. They are not carbon copies, and we make sure they know we don’t expect them to be.
At the end of the day, our values don’t change based on personality. We don’t mold our parenting to fit their quirks—we parent from a place of clarity and consistency. They know what integrity looks like. They know the meaning of respect. They know that excuses won’t fly in our house. But they also know we see them. We know who they are. We give them room to grow up side by side, not as “the twins,” but as two individual boys who just happen to share a birthday—and a whole lot of love.
Pro Tip:
When you’re raising twins—or any siblings, really—ditch the scoreboard. Stop comparing their behaviors, grades, or personalities. Instead, make a habit of one-on-one time. Let each kid shine in their own light without their sibling in the room. Whether it’s a ten-minute ride to the store or grabbing a milkshake just because, that alone time goes a long way in reminding each child that they are seen and valued for who they are—not who their brother is.
The Test Folder Fiasco
Every Friday, I pick up the boys from school and it’s become tradition—they both whip out their test folders and start talking over one another about their grades. One twin usually hits the 90s and higher without breaking a sweat. The other, let’s just say he fights for every point. One week, the “brain” came in with his usual string of high scores. The feral one? He rolled in with an 83. I’ll never forget the pride on his face—and mine. I made a big deal about it because he knew how hard he worked for it. His brother looked a little confused, like, “Why is she so excited over an 83?” And we explained it to both of them right then and there: Great is different for each of you. One is fighting for perfection, the other is fighting to pass. Both are fighting—and both deserve the praise that matches their journey.
