Get Crystal Clear on Parenting Goals
I’m Lish, a proud mom of three young men. I had no idea what kind of mom I wanted to be, what my goals were, why I even wanted to become a parent. I just knew that I did. In between all of that, the one thing I did know is that I wanted boys. Heck, I’m a girl and I knew how difficult it was for my mom to raise me and my sister, so I thought to myself, boys are probably best for me. It turns out I was blessed with three boys. I feel it was meant to be since I’m not only a boy mom but I’m also a twin mom. I had a 50/50 chance of getting two girls, a boy and a girl but I got two boys. But how did I want to raise them? What were my goals for them? I think that comes later in the parenting spectrum. As newborns you simply keep to the basics. You keep them clean, clothed, fed and loved. It’s as they grow and develop into their own little people that something kicks in. How you were raised becomes abundantly clear. Do you want to be like your parents, what don’t I want to repeat? It’s critical to understand that as you are raising these young men. You need to be crystal clear about what you want for them understanding that they will make their own choices as they grow but you best be damn sure you give them the best foundation you can.
**Parenting with Purpose: Guiding Your Son Toward Manhood**
As a parent, your journey is as unique as the child you’re raising. This is such a simple yet powerful thought. When you have your first child you are both in this together. That first child has now made you a parent. You are both learning together how to be a parent and how to be that child reacting to that parent. It’s incredible really, that relationship. It’s like nothing else. However, before you can effectively guide your son, it’s crucial to establish a clear vision of the kind of man you want him to become. When they are young it might be hard to think about what kind of man you want them to be. Let’s be honest, when it’s your first child you just want to keep them healthy and safe. You might not be thinking of that little boy becoming a man. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to find yourself merely reacting to issues as they arise, often losing sight of the larger picture. Many parents fall into the trap of addressing immediate problems without considering how those actions align with their long-term goals. This reactive approach can lead to confusion, frustration, and a sense of ineffectiveness in your parenting. Don’t be alarmed though, reactive mode is seen in all aspects of life. You can be in reactivemode at work and dream of having the time to be proactive but sometimes that’s just not possible. All I’m saying is that don’t let that sense of ineffectiveness stop you. It can’t. The job of a parent is the most important job you’ll ever have. To truly nurture a young man with a strong sense of responsibility, it is essential to parent with intention. This begins with clearly defining your goals as a parent. Ask yourself: What kind of man do I want my son to grow up to be? This foundational question requires deep reflection, not only on the qualities you admire in others but also on the lessons learned from your own upbringing. By taking the time to articulate your vision, you will empower yourself to make decisions that align with that vision, steering your son toward the traits and values that you hold dear. Moreover, consider discussing these reflections with your spouse. Engaging in conversation not only solidifies your own thoughts but also sets a foundation for collaborative parenting. Together, you can navigate the complexities of raising a son with a clear, unified vision.
**Action Item**
Write down the qualities you want to foster in your son. Consider what you admire in others and what you wish to instill in him. In this reflective process, think about your parents and others who have influenced your life, both positively and negatively. Who do you respect, and what qualities do they possess that you want to see in your son? Conversely, are there traits or behaviors you encountered in your upbringing that you want to avoid? Writing these thoughts down can help crystallize your vision and serve as a reference point in your parenting journey.
**Parenting with Purpose: What is my Parenting Philosophy**
Interestingly, many of us don’t think deeply about the type of parent we want to be until we find ourselves in the role. You might have certain assumptions—perhaps you wish to emulate your mom, or you strive to avoid the pitfalls of your dad’s approach. Yet when the time comes to raise a family, many assume that instincts will guide them. The truth is parenting is rarely that straightforward. Without a defined philosophy, you risk drifting aimlessly, allowing external influences to dictate your parenting style rather than consciously shaping it. As I stated in the beginning of this article, I had no idea why I wanted to be a parent, I just knew that I did. I don’t know that I had a philosophy but as a parent now, I know exactly what my philosophy is. It’s what drives every decision I make. That philosophy starts to show itself and starts to kick in as each stage of their development is thrust upon you. It’s amazing to experience your own philosophy in real time.
One of the best parts of being a family is when you are all together. It doesn’t need to be an official meeting per say but any time all of you are together in one space, one room, one car it’s this amazing opportunity to talk. It’s a powerful moment for connection. By sharing your own stories and values, you not only impart wisdom but also create a safe space for your son to express his thoughts and feelings. Encourage open dialogue, where he can ask questions and share his own aspirations. This exchange fosters trust and understanding, allowing you to better guide him as he navigates his own path. For those with young children and even babies, those times when you are one on one with that precious baby or having bath time with the toddler are some of the most amazing times. The toddlers when they are just starting to speak, and they talk about their day. There’s nothing better.
Additionally, as they get older, if that teenager of yours does decide to talk to you and engage in a discussion, it’s a time when your son can and will understand the broader context of your parenting choices. When he knows the “why” behind your rules and expectations, he is more likely to embrace them. It also lays the groundwork for future conversations about values, allowing your son to internalize these lessons as he matures. This mutual exchange of ideas can enhance your relationship and ensure that your parenting remains grounded in shared values.
**Action Item**
Have that family “meeting”, whatever that might look like for your family. Share your childhood experiences and values with your son. Discuss how this shaped your expectations and hopes for his future. Take every opportunity to turn a car ride, a pickup from school, a drive to practice into an opportunity to share experiences. Your philosophy will always shine through.
**Parenting with Purpose: Sharing Values**
As parents, we often imagine that the world our children grow up in will mirror our own experiences. We carry the belief that the values we were raised with will pass down through generations. Yet, the reality is that today’s world presents us with complex challenges. Your son faces an environment marked by shifting values, moral ambiguity, rampant crime, political strife, and a culture that often embraces mediocrity—symbolized by the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality. This landscape makes our parenting duties even more daunting.
This is so important to understand. My husband and I grew up without cellphones, no cameras, no internet and now, I can’t believe I’m saying this, I miss this for my boys in the worst way. It was the best time to be a kid, and no one can tell me differently. These outside influences today are devastating to the children, their mindset, their mental health. It’s terrible if I’m being honest. Our values are more important than ever, and I refuse to believe that they are gone forever. We are not the only parents who feel this way. For the sake of the children that we are raising, we cannot be the only ones.
We have three boys. The oldest has a head on his shoulders like no other. He is so smart. He has been relatively self-sufficient in terms of his schoolwork and we’re grateful for that. It wasn’t until he was in school and doing math that my husband and I found out about “common core” math. In my opinion is the most ridiculous way to teach math that I’ve ever seen. Why did it have to change? The other two boys, the twins are as different as different can be. One of the twins is an inside kid who likes to make movies and the other is like a feral cat out on the streets not wanting to open a book to save his life. It’s him, it’s that feral cat one that I don’t worry about. He’s the street-smart kid, he’s the one who could care less about a phone or electronics. I love and admire that about him.
All three of them know understand our values and what’s important to us and what it means to be a member of our family. While they are still young and still becoming their own young men, we can see where we’ve done right and sometimes, we need to shift a little to adjust if we sense we’ve lost our way with one of them. It’s a shift not of values though, simply of tactic. Never lose your values.
**Action Item**
Identify the core values you want to instill in your son that counter these societal trends. Write these values down and create a “values manifesto” that you can reference together. If writing something down doesn’t appeal to you, make it something that works for you and your family. We personally don’t have a manifesto, but our values are part of everything that we do in our home and outside of our home. People know who we are and what we represent.
**Parenting with Purpose: Discussing Real-Life Situations**
In addition to defining these values, consider how you can actively demonstrate them in your daily life. Actions often speak louder than words; your son will learn more from observing your behaviors than from simply hearing what you say. By embodying the values, you wish to instill, you create a cohesive and consistent message that reinforces the lessons you are teaching him.
In 2020, the year that changed everything for everyone, my son said to me “Mom, I want to go to XYX High School. I immediately fired back and said you are not going anywhere that I don’t know about.” The only way for me to find out about it was to get into the district. For the first time in my life, I researched a political position. I ran for and won school board director in my area. As I write this, I remain on said school board. There was no way in heck that I was allowing my kid to step foot into a school that I didn’t know what was going on “under the hood” so to speak. Not only did I win but then I got onto the two committees I valued the most. I am on the policy committee and the education committee. That’s a real-life situation that my sons see me do. It was too important not to run for this position.
Navigating modern parenting requires you to encourage your son to be bold, truthful, and firm in his convictions while also understanding the importance of adaptability and acceptance. It’s a balancing act that demands thoughtfulness and foresight. In a world that often rewards conformity and compliance, instilling the courage to stand up for one’s beliefs is vital. You want your son to be able to articulate his views respectfully while remaining open to differing perspectives.
Engaging in role-playing can be a fun and effective way to reinforce these lessons. By simulating various scenarios, you provide your son with the room to explore his reactions and refine his responses. These exercises not only build his confidence but also allow him to practice critical thinking and problem-solving skills in real-time. My husband know very well that they listen to us and how we speak about issues going on in today’s world. We are extremely mindful of that, and you know what. I’m okay with that. I want them to understand where we are coming from, why we feel the way we feel, how we can explain the differences between what we believe is truthful and how we can explain how other things are just not right. A balancing act is an absolute understatement.
Moreover, discussing potential real-life situations—such as dealing with peer pressure, standing up against bullying, or navigating ethical dilemmas—can help him think critically about how to apply his values in practice. Encourage him to think through different outcomes based on his choices, helping him recognize the importance of aligning actions with beliefs. This practice prepares him to face the complexities of adulthood with resilience and integrity.
Now, take a moment to visualize your son 10 or 15 years from now. This exercise can be challenging, but it’s essential. What qualities do you want him to embody as he steps into adulthood? Picture a confident, kind, and responsible young man. Can he handle challenges with resilience? Is he the kind of person others can rely on? Can he take care of himself, and when necessary, defend himself?
**Action Item**
Create scenarios or role-playing exercises where your son can practice these values. Discuss real-life situations he might encounter and how he can respond with integrity. They have these scenarios going on in real-life and we’d be naïve to think differently. We must listen to them to hear what’s happening in school and on the bus and in the neighborhood. We need to be there when they approach us with these questions or concerns. Be sure you recognize when they are asking for help without “asking”. You’ll hear the signs.
**Parenting with Purpose: Visualizing the Future**
Have you ever considered writing a “future vision” letter? It’s a profound way to articulate your hopes and dreams for your son. In this letter, you can describe not just the qualities you wish for him to embody, but also the experiences you hope he will embrace. Express your belief in his potential and the unique contributions he can make to the world.
Sharing this letter with your son can open the door to meaningful discussions about his aspirations and values. It encourages him to think critically about his own goals and the steps he can take to achieve them. This process of envisioning the future together fosters a deeper bond between you and your son, laying the groundwork for open communication as he grows.
Reflecting on pop culture, there’s a lesson to be learned from the TV show *Family Ties,* where the “hippie” parents raise a son named Alex P. Keaton. As I navigate raising my three boys, I can’t help but wonder if I might have my own version of Alex—especially in my eldest, who has already begun to teach me valuable lessons in parenting. He is not only my firstborn but also a pivotal figure who will help guide his younger brothers in ways I can only hope to inspire.
Encouraging your eldest son to embrace a mentorship role can have significant benefits for both him and his younger siblings. By giving him the opportunity to take on this responsibility, you help him develop leadership skills and foster a sense of accountability. This experience can also deepen the bonds between brothers, creating a supportive environment where they can learn from each other.
As you guide your eldest in this mentorship role, discuss the importance of modeling positive behavior. Share examples of how he can support his younger siblings—whether it’s through encouragement during challenging tasks, teaching them new skills, or simply being there to listen. This will not only enhance his confidence but also instill a sense of pride in being a role model.
In conclusion, when you have a clear vision of your parenting goals, your day-to-day decisions become significantly more manageable. Instead of simply reacting to behaviors, you’ll find yourself actively guiding him toward the man you’ve envisioned. Remember, parenting isn’t about striving for perfection; it’s about celebrating progress. Every conversation, lesson, and challenge presents an opportunity to help him grow into the man he’s meant to be.
One more action item you can keep for yourself. Keeping a parenting journal. It can a valuable practice for personal growth and self-reflection. By documenting your daily interactions, you can track the progress you and your son are making together. Celebrating small victories—whether it’s a moment of cooperation, a display of kindness, or a successful conversation. You’ve won.
Thank you for reading this article. We hope you find these tips and tricks helpful as you navigate through your commonsense parenting journey. Understanding what your parenting goals are is critical as you go through each stage of your child’s life. You may pivot, you may adjust, you may have to tweak but the goals and your values must never change. I invite you to subscribe to our newsletter for more insights, strategies, and real-life tools to help navigate the commonsense way to parent.
