Hello, I’m Lish, a proud mom of three energetic young men. As I navigate the beautiful chaos of motherhood, I’ve come to realize how essential it is for our sons to understand and manage their emotions. In a world where boys are often told to “toughen up,” while at the same time not to be toxic, I believe it’s crucial to strike a balance between strength and emotional awareness. In this article, I’ll share insights and practical strategies for helping our boys develop this balance – a skill that will serve them well as they grow into compassionate, resilient men.
**1. Developing Emotional Intelligence **
When we talk about emotional intelligence, we’re really talking about one of the most important life skills a person can develop. Emotional intelligence is all about recognizing, understanding, and managing your emotions – and it doesn’t stop there. It also means having the awareness to recognize what others are feeling and respond appropriately. Think about how crucial that is in everyday life: whether it’s for forming strong, healthy relationships, managing the ups and downs of stress, or making smart decisions, emotional intelligence is at the core of it all.
For boys, though, this topic can get a bit tricky. Society has long sent mixed messages about what it means to be a boy and, eventually, a man. They hear phrases like “toughen up” or “man up,” which may serve a purpose in certain situations but can also make it harder for them to fully understand and express their emotions. How do they process their feelings when they’re being told, explicitly or implicitly, that showing emotion is a weakness? So, as parents, how do we teach our sons to be emotionally intelligent while still preparing them for the realities of life?
This development of emotions and how to handle is a tricky one for this mom. In our home they are being raised by two parents, a mom and a dad. We are different species. We process almost every single scenario differently. Those scenarios can range from picking up clothes to picking out clothes to doing chores and how to do those chores. Men and women are different, and we respond differently to all things. Developing the skills they need to handle emotions is critical.
**Pro Tip:**
Encourage your sons to consider empathy by discussing different perspectives. After watching a movie or reading a book, ask questions like, “How do you think that character felt?” or “What would you have done in their situation?” This helps him recognize and understand emotions in others, fostering compassion and enhancing his emotional intelligence.
**2. The Fine Line Between Toughness and Emotional Awareness**
Now, let me be clear: I’m not against the “toughen up” message in all cases. There are times when life demands resilience. Our kids need to learn how to pick themselves up after a fall and face adversity head-on. They need to develop grit because, let’s face it, life doesn’t hand out participation trophies. This is interesting though, isn’t it? I feel almost certain that the world we are living in today does hand out participation trophies. I think this is one of the most controversial issues that I am facing as a parent. We have young kids playing sports who “demand” playing time, parents who encourage it and a slew of people who are somehow entitled to ask for all of this. They don’t ever ask; it’s expected and even demanded. That is not okay with me or my husband. The fact that it isn’t okay with us has been taught to our boys. It’s a struggle for them when they are playing on teams or participating “in life” so to speak and kids around them are just assuming they can stand around and get a prize just for showing up. That’s a hill that I’ll die on (one of many when it comes to my boys) but this participation trophy crap has to end. It is not how it works as they get older. We are doing this generation a huge disservice by going along with this. Do we need to draw line somewhere? I suppose so. In telling boys to toughen up should never mean they can’t express emotions or be “in touch” with their feelings. The problem isn’t in asking our boys to be strong – it’s in equating emotional vulnerability with weakness.
This brings me to something that really irks me – the term “toxic masculinity.” Now, hear me out. “Toxic” means poisonous, harmful, and dangerous. Can you imagine being a young boy, hearing people talk about masculinity in this way? For a boy who’s just learning to navigate the world, being told that something intrinsic to who he is – his masculinity – is toxic is a terrible message to send. It plants the idea that there’s something wrong with being a boy or growing into a man. Let’s be real here: there’s nothing inherently toxic about masculinity. This is another example of a hill for me.
Sure, there are behaviors that need to be addressed and shaped, but masculinity itself is not the enemy. The goal should be raising boys to embrace their masculinity in a positive, healthy way, without shaming them for it. We want our boys to be strong and emotionally intelligent, not emotionally stunted or ashamed of who they are. That balance is key.
**Pro Tip:**
Encourage your son to explore various role models who embody healthy masculinity. This could include figures from history, literature, or even family members. Discuss what makes these individuals admirable and how they balance strength with emotional awareness. My nephew is about 8 – 10 years older than my sons. They love their cousin. He is “the man” we will hear often. He is the epitome of what they are starting to realize is a man. He figured out what he wanted to do with his life, he followed the path, he lives his passion through car racing, and he treats his girlfriend like a queen. My sister did a great job with her son and I’m happy to have my sons look up to him. They look up to their father but my nephew, is a different age group. They “expect” certain behaviors from dad but looking up to their cousin takes them outside of our world and into the outside world. It’s different but just as important.
**3. Real Life: Navigating Emotional Challenges at Home**
In my household, we haven’t had too many big emotional hurdles to jump over just yet. My sons, for the most part, have had a calm experience with emotions. Like most kids, they’ve had moments where they were mad at me for saying “no,” or disappointed when Santa didn’t deliver exactly what they had their hearts set on. These are all normal, day-to-day feelings that every child experiences. Nothing out of the ordinary.
But recently, something came up that made me pause. One of my sons asked if it was okay to hit someone on the school van if that person messed with him. That question stopped me in my tracks. Now, I’m a protective parent like most of us. My first instinct was to defend him – because the thought of someone picking on my kid? Yeah, it’s not going to fly.
But instead of jumping straight into action, I took a step back. I started asking him questions to understand what was really going on. I wanted to know what had happened, why he was asking, and if he was okay. Was there a bigger issue here, or was this just a hypothetical question? I may have asked a ton of questions (at least, that’s how it felt to him), but you know what? That’s how we, as parents, get to the root of things.
Once we got to the heart of the issue, I laid out what I believe: no one should ever put their hands on you, period. That’s a firm rule in our family. But I also told him that we don’t start fights. If someone is bothering you, there are ways to handle it without throwing punches. Now, if it ever comes down to needing to defend yourself? That’s a different story. Self-defense is something entirely different from aggression.
And let’s be real, not every parent will agree with my approach – and that’s perfectly okay. Everyone’s got their own way of handling these things. For me, it’s about teaching my sons to be strong but also emotionally aware. They don’t need to be pushovers, but they also don’t need to throw the first punch. It’s all about balance, and I’m more focused on what makes sense for my family than what others might think.
**Pro Tip:**
After difficult conversations, encourage your son to share his thoughts in a journal. Writing can help him process his feelings and reflect on the discussions you’ve had, solidifying his understanding of healthy emotional responses. One of my twins uses a journal, he’s 12. I often find him writing in it after he and I have had an exchange if you will. He’s the least aggressive of the three. He’s the most sensitive of the three. He’s the one I find myself telling to “give it back” to his twin brother. I tell him often not to just “take it” but do something about it. I don’t want him to be a pushover, especially in our own household or he’s doomed on the outside.
**4. Teaching Our Sons to Face Their Emotions Head-On**
So, what’s the goal here? It’s not about shielding our boys from their emotions or pretending they don’t have them. That doesn’t do anyone any favors. Instead, it’s about teaching them to face their feelings head-on. We want to give them the tools to understand what they’re feeling and handle those emotions in a healthy, productive way. That means having open conversations about what they’re feeling, rather than expecting them to “man up” and shove it all down inside.
Our sons need to know it’s okay to feel angry, frustrated, sad, or even scared. These are human emotions – not weaknesses. But here’s the catch: it’s not just about letting them feel these emotions. We also need to show them how to process those feelings in a healthy way. That might mean writing things down in a journal, talking things out with someone they trust, or even just taking a break when they’re overwhelmed. It’s all about giving them strategies they can use throughout their lives.
My husband and I found ourselves in unfamiliar territory a few months back, end of 2023 to be exact. There was a girl. In my head, the dreaded girl. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. There is no preparing for this especially when you’re the first-born son and you and your parents are doing this whole thing together as newbies. He taught us how to parent, he’s our first.
Back to the girl. He was going through a ton of emotions, and we could tell. We couldn’t ever ask but we could tell something was happening. Your sons give you signs, big red waving flag signs but as a mom, I barreled through them and ripped them out of his hands and asked him a million questions. My husband had to hold me back. He knew. He recognized things that I didn’t. This is just one more reason why parenting with a mom and a dad is so critical, especially during these younger years. My husband knew what was up. He could tell. I wanted to know what was up, what exactly did she say, why did she say it, and more importantly, where the hell does she live.
**Pro Tip:**
Create a “feelings toolbox” together. Fill it with items that help your son cope with different emotions, such as stress balls for frustration, art supplies for expressing creativity, or calming scents like lavender for relaxation. This physical representation can make emotional regulation more tangible. During that whole time, when he was at school, I’d wash his bed sheets and pillowcases and spray them with a stress relief wellness spray. He never said anything about it, but I know it helped. Noone can tell me different.
**5. Actionable Step: The Weekly Emotional Check-In**
Here’s one simple way you can start developing emotional intelligence in your son: the weekly “emotional check-in.” This doesn’t have to be anything fancy or long-winded. Set aside ten minutes each week to talk about something that made him feel strongly – it could be frustration, excitement, sadness, or anything else that stood out to him. I like to disguise these types of talks at the dinner table. We are so infrequently at the dinner table all together, but I love when we are. It’s when you hear everything about their day, their classmates, the test grades, the girl who makes a funny face when she gets called on, and the girl your oldest plans to take to the dance. There are other topics too, I guess.
Was he frustrated at school? Did something exciting happen during a game? Ask him how he handled it, and more importantly, discuss different ways he *could* have handled it. Did he react in a way that made him feel good afterward? Could there have been a better way to respond? The point here isn’t to correct him or make him feel like he did something wrong – it’s to encourage openness. This is a conversation, not a lecture.
What you’re doing with these check-ins is normalizing conversations about emotions. You’re making it clear that it’s okay to talk about feelings, that emotions aren’t something to be ashamed of, and that there are healthy ways to work through them. They don’t even need to know they are talking about feelings, and we don’t even need to call them emotions. We can just let them talk. Over time, these little conversations will help your son develop a strong foundation, and that will carry him through the ups and downs of life.
**Pro Tip:**
Consider using prompts or questions to guide these conversations. For instance, “What was the best part of your week?” or “Did anything make you feel upset or frustrated?” This can help them open up and share more about their feelings. I pick up my twins every Friday from school. It’s always been a “thing” that mom picks them up from school. It’s on those car rides home where they let loose and tell me all about the week, the kids in class, the homework, the test scores, the good, the bad and the okay. I love those rides.
**6. Why Emotional Intelligence is a Life Skill**
So, why is all of this so important? Because emotional intelligence is a life skill. It’s not just about helping your son handle a tough moment when he’s seven years old of fifteen years old. It’s about equipping him with the tools he needs to thrive as he grows up. When boys learn how to understand and manage their emotions, they’re better equipped to build healthy relationships – whether that’s with friends, family, or eventually, romantic partners.
Emotionally intelligent boys are also better at managing stress. They don’t crumble under pressure because they’ve learned how to deal with what’s going on. And when it comes to making decisions, this skill is a game-changer. Emotionally aware boys know how to keep a clear head, consider their feelings without letting them rule their decisions, and ultimately make choices that benefit them in the long run.
The earlier we start helping our boys build emotional intelligence, the better off they’ll be as they navigate life’s inevitable challenges. It’s about creating a solid emotional foundation now, so they can grow into resilient, emotionally healthy men.
**Pro Tip:**
Model emotional intelligence yourself. Share stories about your own feelings and how you cope with them. This not only strengthens your bond but also shows your son that everyone, including adults, experiences a wide range of emotions. Mind you I’ve attempted this, and I can guarantee you some eye rolls but we’re women, we are going to “share” regardless. With the “dreaded girl” incident, my husband spoke to him. I never really asked what he said to him. I didn’t have to. I’m certain he was talking about me. We’ve been together since we were 17 and 18 so basically any example my husband could give my son has to do with me. That’s okay with me!
**Wrapping this up – Raising Boys with Balance**
At the end of the day, raising boys who understand and manage their emotions isn’t about turning them into “soft” or overly sensitive people. It’s about balance. We want our sons to be strong, capable, and resilient – but also emotionally aware and compassionate. They need to know that being tough and being emotionally intelligent aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, they go together.
By teaching our boys how to face their emotions head-on, we’re giving them the tools they need to navigate life’s complexities with confidence. So, start that weekly check-in. Open-up those conversations. The more you make emotional intelligence a part of your family’s routine, the more equipped your son will be to handle whatever life throws his way. I caution moms everywhere not to go overboard with this or they will retreat. Just know it’s a possibility.
Remember, there’s no such thing as “toxic” masculinity if we’re raising boys who are emotionally intelligent, aware, and in control. It’s all about balance and giving them the skills to be the best version of themselves.
Thank you for reading this article. We hope you find these tips and tricks helpful as you navigate through your commonsense parenting journey. Tackling emotions is not easy for boys or girls but it’s especially tricky with our young men. We must not make assumptions that our boys are always okay, we must recognize that our young men process things much differently. I invite you to subscribe to our newsletter for more insights, strategies, and real-life tools to help navigate the commonsense way to parent.
